Ask Bill Advice Page

Got a Problem and Don't Know What To Do?

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Dear Bill,

I have a very touchy problem that I hope you can help me with. My brother

Norman is engaged to a very beautiful, eighteen year-old swimsuit model. Norman is in the Navy and began a six-month deployment overseas just two weeks ago. The problem is his fiancée, Shari. Ever since Norman left, she has made it very clear that she wants to have sex with me. This would break Norman's heart if he knew. Should I tell him? I don't know what to do Bill, …….. please help me.

Thanks Bill,

Torn In Topeka

Dear Stupidest Man In The World,

If you don't know what to do with " a very beautiful, eighteen year-old swimsuit

model who wants to have sex with you," you are either queer, so stupid that you have to think about breathing to stay alive, or in need of professional psychological

treatment. But just in case stupidity is the problem here, I'll give you a little hint:

YOU NEVER PASS UP A CHANCE TO SCREW AN EIGHTEEN YEAR-OLD

SWIMSUIT MODEL!!!

Best wishes,

Bill

Dear Bill,

My mother in law came to our home for a short visit following a brief hospital stay for a proctology exam. That was 3 years ago and it seems like she has taken over our lives. She is a very strong willed lady, and set in her ways. She is critical of everything, and complains constantly. She needs 3-4 enemas a day (due to her chronic constipation) which my wife and I are forced to administer for her. She screams, "Maw Maw needs to make a Butt Dumpling"...and she expects my wife and I drop whatever we're doing and come running. If we don't come right away, she gets really nasty and even meaner than she usually is. I want this woman out of my home, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. How can I get her out of my house

without causing anyone involved any heartache? Help us Bill...

Signed, Confused in Biloxi

Dear Confused,

I can't tell you exactly what you should do, but as long as you make it look like an accident, you'll be fine. If you live in a two story house, throwing the Bitch down the stairs is one option. Or maybe poison, smothering her with a pillow, etc... There are several different ways to rid your home of this Enema Loving Control Freak. If you're truly concerned about hurting her feelings, don't tell her when you're about to whack her. You'll miss out on the fun of hearing her beg for mercy, but at least you'll have a clear conscience.

Best of Luck, Bill